Collected Dog Humor
Most of this was collected off the AcmePet Dog House Board. Original authors are mostly unknown, if you know who wrote something, please tell me! Credit is given when known.
Birthday Wish From A Dog
Posted on Acme Pet by Shugga on October 04, 1998 at 12:33:43:
You feed me when I'm
You sometimes let me
lick your hands,
You taught me how to
come when called,
I've been with you
through oh, so much,
Poem for New Puppy Owners
Posted on Acme Pet by Bravehart on October 10, 1998 at 11:25:22:
Don't smell crotches,
don't eat plants,
Don't eat those peas, don't
touch that bush,
AWAY FROM THE LITER BOX,
IT'S FOR THE CAT!
Don't despair through the
toil and the strife.
The Dog's Cold Nose
Posted on Acme Pet by Puppy Luv on August 09, 1998 at 02:59:45:
When Noah, perceiving
'twas time to embark,
He drove in the elephants,
zebras and gnus
But such was the lack
of available space,
He stood with his muzzle
thrust out through the door
One day while George Bush Jr. was doing his morning jogging he noticed a little boy standing outside the White House gates. As curiosity got the best of him, George jogged over to the gates to see what the little boy was doing.
As he approached the gates George was taken by surprise when he noticed a sign saying "Republican Dogs Foe Sale". George asked the boy about the dogs he was trying to sell. "What's up son?" Bill asked. To which the little boy replied "I'm selling Republican Puppies. Would you like to buy one Mr. President?' he answered.
"No, Thank you young man. I just got a new dog. But thanks anyway. And good luck" said the President. And he jogged away.
Thinking about how cute the puppies had been, George went to Laura and told her about the Republican Puppies. They both laughed about how sweet it was that the little boy was trying to sell his puppies.
The next morning Bush noticed the same little boy at the gate with the same little puppies. This day, however the sign read, "Democratic Puppies For Sale".
George inquired about the sign stating, "Young man, yesterday when I was here you had a sign stating that these were Republican Puppies for sale. Now today you call the same puppies Democrat Puppies. What's the deal?"
To which the boy replied, "Yes sir, Mr. President, but today they all have their eyes open."
A man went to visit a friend and was amazed to find him playing
chess with his dog. He watched the game in astonishment for a while. "I
can hardly believe my eyes!" he exclaimed. "That's the smartest
dog I've ever seen."
Why Dogs are Better than Men
Dogs miss you when you're gone.
You're A Bulldog Owner If...
1. Your dog snores louder than your mother in-law, snores louder than the train that rumbles by your house every morning, so they use your house for noise abatement research by the airport authority.
2. Your dog spends more time in bed than you do.
3. You think Walter Matthau's face is handsome and dignified.
4.You buy Beano and yogurt by the case and you sleep with the windows open in the winter.
5. If your dog is mistaken for Miss Piggy.
6. You make your dog wear a life preserver while taking a bath.
7. If your dog goes on a diet more than you do and has just about as much success.
8. Your Vet takes a vacation to Las Vegas every year but you don't take vacations any more!
9. If you trip over your dog more than three times a day.
10. You put a Mack Truck Bulldog on the front of your riding lawnmower.
11. You know your dog's pedigree better than your family tree.
12. You spent more time in the delivery room with your dog than with your wife.
13. People on the street look at your dog in shock and say, "What's that?" People on the street either run to the other side or come right up and pet your Bulldog, but *nobody* ignores it!
14. When the pool service people refer among themselves to your house as "the house with the ugly dogs"
15. When you're away from home and can't sleep because there isn't any snoring in the room.
16. You look at your Bulldog and know for the cost of medical bills you could have purchased that condo in Aspen.
17. You've finally learned to be very careful not to use your dog's thermometer on yourself.
18. You have a bumper sticker on your car: "Globber Happens."
19. The woodwork in your house has permanent globber marks about one foot from the floor.
20. You share tips on globber removal with your friends on the Internet. (No one else understands!)
21. You consider "ugliness" and "sloth" to be complex philosophical concepts.
22. The people at the local McDonald's know your bulldogs by their names.
23. "You never miss an episode of Jake and the Fat man."
24. When your mate insists that "if the bulldog wants to sleep between us, it's OK".
25. If your mate cuddles with the bulldog more than he cuddles with you.
26. If you have more pictures of your bulldogs in your wallet than you do your kids.....
27. If you can pass gas and get away with blaming it on the dog...you must have a bulldog.
28. They're bark is worse than their bite, but it's the gas that kills you.
29. If the water bottle you carry on your walks is for your dog and not for you.......
30. If the pizza delivery people know your dogs by name, and send them Christmas cards.
31. When there is as much water on the floor around the water dish as there is in it.
32.You are sleeping on 6" of a king size bed, and the rest is full of snoring bodies.
33. The people in the suite above you phone at 2:00 A.M. to say the snoring is keeping them awake.
34.You start to like the smell of bitter apple.
35. You realize the most wasted phrase used in America is "be a good boy while daddy goes to work."
36. You might be a bulldog owner if your vet bill arrives with extra postage!
37. When you're the one that's truly owned.
38. When you actually look forward to and enjoy a tongue lashing!!
39. You might a bulldog owner if your boyfriend thinks your bully looks better than you do first thing in the morning!
40. You know you are a Bulldog owner when your mate would rather kiss your Bully than you first thing in the morning.
41. You consider slobber as a natural source of fireproofing, for your clothes and furniture.
42. Your co-workers know the name of your bully and always ask about your baby (they pass on the information you tell them to friends and family for a laugh!!)
43. You must be a bulldog owner if: Your co-workers know your bully's name and recognize your bully on sight, but didn't know you also had grown children!!
44. You must be a bulldog owner if: All it takes is the mention of your bully's name and your mood automatically changes for the better!!
45. You must be a bulldog owner if: Your boss always changes the subject on you by asking about your bully (knowing that's all it takes for you to loose track of anything else on your mind you may want to complain about!!)
If all this sounds good to you, then you'll make a fine bulldog owner!
A Dog Fancier's Guide To Shakespeare
Death at the dog show
A dog show was held in a small town in Kentucky. Tragically, there were
10 Rules For Pampered Pets
1. Don't accept a trip to the vet after Wednesday....
FOLLOW THIS 12-STEP PROGRAM:
Dogaholics Anonymous (Show Version)
Good Evening. My name is Doris and I AM a dogaholic. I would like to welcome all of you to this month's meeting of "Dogaholics Anonymous. Some of you are here tonight because a friend or relative brought you here. You may be sitting here thinking that you are OK and that you really don't need any help.
It is not easy to admit that you are a dogaholic and it is even harder to bring yourself to a DAA meeting for help. DAA is here to assist you. I have some questions to ask. If you can answer YES to more than three of the following, you have come to the right place.
Can you say "Bitch" in public without blushing?
Do you drive a station wagon, van or 4x4 when everyone else drives a real car?
Do you have more than one car? One for you and one for the dogs?
Do you spend your vacations and holidays going to shows, specialties and seminars when everyone else goes on a cruise?
If you do go overseas, is it to London in March to attend Crufts?
Do you discuss things at the dinner table that would make most doctors leave in disgust?
Do you consider formal wear to be clean jeans and freshly washed tennis shoes?
Is your interior decorator R.C. Steele?
Was your furniture and carpeting chosen to match your dogs?
Are your end table really dog crates with tablecloths thrown over them?
Do you know the meaning of CD, CDX, UD, CGC, HIC,WC, JH, MH, CH, and
Is your mail made up primarily of dog catalogs, dog magazines and premium lists?
Do you get up before dawn to go to Training Classes? Dog Shows? Seminars?
If you do have dresses, do they all have pockets?
Do those pockets often contain freeze dried liver, Rollover or squeaky toys?
When you meet a new person do you always ask them what kind of dog they have and pity them if they don't have one?
Do you remember the name of their dog sooner than you remember their name?
Do you find non dog people boring?
If you answered YES to one of the above, there is still hope.
My advise to all of you with three or more YES's is to sit back and smile, turn to the smiling person next to you and know that your life will always be filled with good friends and good dogs and it will never be boring.
You Know You Are A Giant Breed Owner When...
The sound of running water makes you jump up and yell, "OUTSIDE!"
You tell your dog to sit, and he backs up until he finds a chair
It takes 3 people to get your dog on the scale at the vets
You walk your dog and everyone knows him by name, but you have no idea who these people are
You can carry on a conversation with a dog's muzzle firmly in your crotch
You own a dog capable of pulling someone from a porta potty
Your dog can hide an entire tennis ball (among other things) fully inside his lips and give you that innocent look that says, "What? I'm not eating anything!"
You carry a tape measure with you when shopping for a new vehicle
You keep at least one colorcoded "drool towel" in every room of your house
After banishing your husband, the snoring in your bedroom still keeps you awake
You are hiking with a friend who later suggests that you ought to have an environmental impact statement done on your dog
Visitors enter the house holding their privates protectively
You toss your dog a ball and cringe when he almost hits his head on the top of the doorway
You take your dog for a ride and he rests his head on your arm, causing you to make random right turns
You have given up on water dishes and you just use the bathtub
Your two dogs decide to play in the house, and they end up pulling the ceiling fan down for the second time
You have to move over when brushing your teeth because your dog wants a drink
You show a picture of your dogs and kids together, and the first person you point out is your dog
While stopped at a stop light, everyone stares as your car rocks back and forth because the dog is panting out the window
You go to vacuum your car and most of the fur is up there on the ceiling
You avoid the dogs on your way out the door, so they won't smear your makeup
You've learned to force a smile when asked "do you have a saddle for that thing?"
The monthly dog budget exceeds your home mortgage payment
Your veterinarian has been able to put in a swimming pool, build a large home, buy jet skis and a personal plane
You have had to train your dog not to lick dishes, and the dishes are in the sink
The donuts you put on top of the refrigerator are gone when you get home and your dog has powdered sugar on his nose
Your dog can see what you're cooking, and he tries to assist you in the preparation
You're holding him straddled between your legs when the doorbell rings, you take a short (but fast!) ride straight to the door
The pizza delivery people tell you to meet them at the end of the sidewalk
Your dog stands in your lap and reaches over you to stick his head in the drivethrough window at MacDonald's and nearly gives the cashier a heart attack when she turns around to give you your change
You purchase a large screen TV and you still can't see the program when he stands in front of the television