"Give sorrow words; the grief that does not speak. 
Whispers the o'er fraught heart and bids it break"
-William Shakespeare

Over the past few years, it has been my task to discuss the subject of grief and grief recovery with people from within the death and dying field, as well as with people who are directly and indirectly affected by grief.  In conversations with seemingly experienced members of the funeral profession, I was surprised at what I was told.  Ii was interested in learning about what  funeral home directors and owners thought about the issue of grief recovery.  One funeral director I spoke with described the situation in mathematical terms: He said that one-third do an absolutely marvelous job and spend time and money in providing good grief programs. One-third do a "decent" job; and the other third feel their job is done after the interment.  I confess I was taken aback.

The second expert I conferred with, a publisher in the funeral industry, painted an even bleaker picture.  According to him, grief and grief recovery, as an element in their philosophy and business conduct, is even less significant. 

I should have realized there was work to be done in this subject after an article of mine published in The Director ["Aftercare in Cyberspace"] got literally no response. 

Perhaps the experts were right.

Another seeming natural avenue of outreach and support for grief recovery should have been Corporate America.  After all, at any given time, according to statistics, 15 percent of the work force is experiencing some level of grief.   Perhaps corporate human resource departments might want to discuss grief recovery for their employees, since grief often leads to work errors, absence, tardiness, substance abuse and a host of other potential problems.  Surely they would be interested in a grief recovery resource, if not out of compassion or for improved employee relations, than at least for productivity reasons.

The response from human resource and employee assistance personnel has been incredibly bland.

After an extended visit with a bereavement manager at one of America's largest companies in New Jersey, a technological giant, I had expected that the introduction of a new, free service to the work place would be a welcome resource.  In fact, during the meeting, our service was lauded as a wonderful innovation.  Unfortunately, after weeks of unreturned phone calls, the manager finally responded that no one had asked for information.  Did the manager think an employee in mourning would come knocking at the door for help?  Does the manager really expect an answer when the bereaved is told, "We are so very sorry for your loss.  Is there anything we can do?".  The newly bereaved is generally in such a state of confusion and shock;, they really can't answer, particularly if it is a major loss.  Chances are, they don't know what they want or need.  Worse still, most managers either avoid asking the question or have no clue how to handle an answer. 

An Unfortunate Perception
The trend for many companies it ot outsource bereavement services.  Although this might be viewed as a feeble attempt to avoid the issue, this does make some sense.  Admitting a "weakness" such as hurt is a fearful thing for an employee, such perhaps like an alcohol problem.  The fear of a "black mark" in their employee file might hamper advancement.  At least that is a perception. 

But, even outsource organizations like EAPA (Employees Assistance Professionals Association), do not seem to put bereavement problems in a high-priority category.  Recently, working with Bereavement Magazine's work place editor, we put
together a program for EAPA's annual conference.  The presentation was to have been a discussion of partnering the new technology with proven traditional methods of addressing grief issues.  The presentation was rejected. 

Grief Should Be Addressed Summarily and Conscientiously
Grief, of course, is generally not life-threatening, and the passage of time normally allows for healing.  But while the time passes, the pain and suffering can be deep, and the events and decisions made during this time can be crucial and nearly as life-changing as the death itself.

How can this message of grief recovery be delivered to Corporate America?  Who needs to stand up and shout, "Hey, Someone listen!  These are things going on during grief - things that hurt; things that affect not just the bereaved, but everyone around them.  Pay Attention!".  And we can ask the same of the education community.

Personal grief, all to often, is like a bad toothache. At the time of the ache, the pain is excruciating.  But after care, it is difficult to accurately recall the depth of the pain, no matter how hard we try.  Managers of business owners may have a true experience of grief, but not a full reminiscence of it's ramifications and pain.  And, if they are in pain themselves, they may be in no condition to offer assistance to others.

Since grief and death are inseparable, why aren't we prepared?  Why do we seem to take a "wait and see" attitude?  We are not dealing with a "what if" but a  "when" situation.  Yet all too often we seem to avoid the things that need to be done.  Even simple things like drawing up a will are often left undone. 

There are some wonderful grief recovery programs available - simple things like brochures from AARP: programs for companies, like Rachel Kodanaz's "Grief in the Workplace"' Patti Goss's workbook, "Beyond Sympathy," for schools; and resources such as GROWW for individuals.  And, of course, there are funeral home and hospice programs throughout the country.

It Takes a Leader
But, someone needs to tell these communities, companies and schools not to skirt these inevitable problems.  Someone needs to tell them that there is help available and that they will be doing their job best when they address the issue.  It's an educated guess that this someone would project a positive image well beyond the business model and mission.  So, who's job is it?  Sounds like a job for a leader. 

     Jim Kennedy is executive director of GROWW, Grief Recovery Online [www.GROWW.org], a non-profit, Internet based grief resource available to anyone who has lost a loved one to death. GROWW provides myriad resources to the bereaved, including message boards, chat rooms and links to helpful information.

Used with permission of the author. 

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