Posted by Linda B. on December 07, 1998 at 18:09:03:

Twas the night before Christmas and Santa's a wreck
How to live in a world that's politically correct?
His workers no longer would answer to Elves,
Vertically challenged they were calling themselves.

And labor conditions at the North Pole
Were alleged by the union to stifle the soul.
Four reindeer had vanished, without much propriety,
Released to the wilds by the Humane Society.

And Equal Employment had made it quite clear
That Santa had better not use just reindeer.
So Dancer and Donner, Comet and Cupid
Were replaced with four pigs, and you know that looked stupid!
The runners had been removed from his sleigh,

The ruts were termed dangerous by the EPA.
And then people started to call for the cops
When they heard sled noises on their rooftops.
Second-hand smoke had his workers quite frightened.
His fur-trimmed red suit was called unenlightened.

And to show you the strangeness of life's ebbs and flows,
Rudolf was suing over unauthorized use of his nose.
He'd gone on Geraldo, in front of the nation,
Demanding millions in overdue compensation.

So, half of the reindeer were gone; and his wife,
Who suddenly said she'd enough of this life,
Joined a self-help group, packed and left in a whiz,
Demanding from now on her title was Ms.
And as for the gifts, why, he'd ne'er a notion

That making a choice could cause so much commotion.
Nothing of leather, nothing of fur,
Which meant nothing for him.
And nothing for her.

Nothing that might be construed to pollute.
Nothing to aim. Nothing to shoot.
Nothing that clamored or made lots of noise.
Nothing for just girls. Or just for the boys.

Nothing that claimed to be gender specific.
Nothing that's warlike or non-pacific.
No candy or sweets, they're bad for the tooth.
Nothing that seemed to embellish a truth.

And fairy tales, while not yet forbidden,
Were like Ken and Barbie, better off hidden.
For they raised the hackles of those psychological,
Who claimed the only good gift was one ecological.

No baseball, no football, someone could get hurt;
Besides, playing sports exposed kids to dirt.
Dolls were said to be sexist and should be passe;
And Nintendo would rot your entire brain away.

So Santa just stood there, disheveled, perplexed;
He just could not figure out what to do next.
He tried to be merry, tried to be gay,
But you've got to be careful with that word today.

His sack was quite empty, limp to the ground;
Nothing fully acceptable was to be found.
Something special was needed, a gift that he might,
Give to all without angering the left or the right.

A gift that would satisfy, with no indecision,
Each group of people, every religion;
Every ethnicity, every hue,
Everyone, everywhere, even you.

So here is that gift, its price beyond worth:
May you and your loved ones enjoy peace on earth!

 (Author Unknown)

Posted by lucy on November 22, 1998 at 08:02:07:

"Twas the night before christmas, when all through the house,
Not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse.
The stockings were hung by the chimney with care,
In hopes that St. Nicholas soon would be there,

The children were nestled all snug in the beds,
With no thought of the dog filling their heads.
And mama with her `kerchief and I in my cap,
Knew he was cold, but didn't care about that.

 When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter,
I sprang from the bed to see what was the matter.
Away to the window I flew like a flash,
Figuring the dog was free of his chain and into the trash.

The moon on the breast of the new-fallen snow
Gave the luster of mid-day to objects below,
When, what to my wondering eyes should appear,
But Santa Claus - with eyes full of tears.

He unchained the dog, once so lively and quick,
Last years Christmas present, now painfully thin and sick.
More rapid than eagles he calls the dogs name,
And the dog ran to him, despite all his pain.

"Now, DASHER! now, DANCER! now, PRANCER and VIXEN!
On, COMET! on, CUPID! on, DONDER! and BLITZEN!
To the top of the porch! to the top of the wall!
Let's find this dog a home where he'll be loved by all"

I knew an instant there would be no gifts this year,
For Santa Claus had made one thing clear,
The gift of a dog is not just for the Season,
We had gotten the pup for all the wrong reasons.

 In our haste to think of the kids a gift
There was one important thing that we missed.
A dog should be family, and cared for the same,
You don't give a gift, then put it on the chain.

And I heard him exclaim as he rode out of sight,
"You weren't given a gift! You were given a life!

 -Stacey Vincent
 
 

 The cookies I'd nibbled, the eggnog I'd taste
At the holiday parties had gone to my waist.

 When I got on the scales there arose such a number!
When I walked to the store (less a walk than a lumber).
I'd remember the marvelous meals I'd prepared;
The gravies and sauces and beef nicely rare,

 The wine and the rum balls, the bread and the cheese
And the way I'd never said, "No thank you, please."

 As I dressed myself in my husband's old shirt
And prepared once again to do battle with dirt---

 I said to myself, as I only can
"You can't spend a winter disguised as a man!"

 So--away with the last of the sour cream dip,
Get rid of the fruit cake, every cracker and chip

 Every last bit of food that I like must be banished
"Till all the additional ounces have vanished.

 I won't have a cookie--not even a lick.
I'll want only to chew on a long celery stick.

 I won't have hot biscuits, or corn bread, or pie,
I'll munch on a carrot and quietly cry.

 I'm hungry, I'm lonesome, and life is a bore---
But isn't that what January is for?
Unable to giggle, no longer a riot.

 Happy New Year to all and to all a good diet!

The cupboard was empty, the fridge, it was bare.
I searched but I couldn't find food anywhere.

I looked out the window:Streets covered with snow;
At two in the morning--just where could I go?

I spied my computer, I just go boot-up that.
I'll take me online for some Christmas Eve chat.
The modem connected without a delay!
In the blink of an eye, I'd be chatting away.

But-----no voice bid me "Welcome" or said: "You've got mail."
And I thought now's a bad time for my sound card to fail.
My buddy list opened with not even one name.
Is everyone sleeping? Well, I'll go play a game.

I couldn't get into Out Of Order or Slingo.
Strike A Match wouldn't work--and neither did Bingo!!!!!!
The chat rooms were empty! I thought: Wow--that's just great?
AOL picked a fine time for another update.

IM's weren't working. My mail wouldn't send.
I felt so alone. Couldn't find just one friend.
But wait! What's that sound? Did I just hear a chime?
There's someone else out there. Somebody's on-line!

In wonder---I read: "Hey--it's 3:53.
Your friends are all sleeping; that's where you should be."
"Turn off that 'puter. Take your hand off that mouse.
I have a few things to drop off at your house."

"You know I can't stop there while you're still awake.
I have schedules to keep. Come on----Give Me A Break!"
If you really are Santa (that jolly, old elf)
there's only one present I'd wish for myself.

The folks on my buddy list. Those friends far and near.
You just gather them up and bring them right here.
In just a few hours I awoke with a start.
It was only a dream--I sighed heavy of heart.

I  walked down the stairs and there 'round my tree,
were all of the peopleI thought I'd never see.
We laughed and we {{{{{{{{{{hugged}}}}}}}}}}}and we just had a ball.
Hmmmmmm--maybe that wasn'ta dream after all.

 So listen up peoplethis secret I'll tell:
I've found the real Santa------he's on A O L!!!!

 The Republicans were nestled, all smug with The Feds,
 While visions of perjury danced in their heads.
 And Barr with his rhetoric and Hyde with his trap,
 Had just settled in for a long evening's nap.

 When out in The Gulf, there arose such a clatter
 They clicked on CNN to see what was the matter.
 When what to their wondering eyes should appear
 But Tomahawk cruise missiles flying like reindeer.

 With a Presidential address, so lively and quick,
 They knew in a moment, it must be Saint Slick!
 More rapid than eagles, his supporters they came,
 And he whistled and shouted and called them by name:

 "Now Conyers, now Gephardt, let's forget about The Vixen!
 On Barney! On Maxine! I'm no Richard Nixon!!!"
 "From Capitol Hill to the Washington Mall,
 Now dash away, dash away, dash away all !!!"

 And then the Republicans heard on the roof
 The prancing and pawing of each little hoof.
 As they scratched their heads and were turning around
 The resilient Saint Willie scored another rebound.

 No longer was he eating from his humble pie,
 While assaulting Saddam with his bombs from the sky.
 A bundle of weapons he had flung at Iraq,
 It looked once again like Slick Willie was back.

 His eyes, how they twinkled! His dimples, how merry!
 His cheeks were like roses, his nose like a cherry.
 His droll little mouth was drawn up like a bow,
 And the hair on his head was as white as the snow.

 The stump of a stogie, he held tight in his teeth,
 And the smoke, it encircled his head like a wreath.
 He had a broad face and a little round belly
 That shook when he laughed like a bowl full of jelly.

 He was chubby and plump - a right jolly old elf,
 And the Republicans wept, in spite of themselves.
 And a wink of his eye and a twist of his head
 Soon gave them to know they had something to dread.

 He spoke the right words and went straight to his work
 Hard to believe that an Intern once called him "The Jerk."
 And shaking his finger and thumbing his nose,
 By "Wagging The Dog," up the polls he rose.

 He turned to his spinmeisters and gave them a whistle,
 Then they cheered-on Slick Willie as he launched another missile.
 They all heard him exclaim, with Impeachment out of sight,
 "Happy Ramadan to all, and to all a good night."

I looked all about, a strange sight I did see,
No tinsel, no presents, not even a tree.
No Stocking by the mantle, just boots filled with sand,
On the wall hung pictures of far distant lands.

With medals and badges, awards of all kinds,
A sober thought came and ran through my mind.
For this house was different, it was dark and dreary,
I found the home of a soldier, once I could see clearly.

The soldier lay sleeping, silent, alone,
Curled up on the floor in this one bedroom home.
The face was so gentle, this room in disorder,
Not how I pictured a United States Soldier.

Was this the hero of whom I'd just read?
Curled up on a poncho, the floor for a bed?
I realized the families I saw on this night
Wed their lives to these soldiers who were willing to fight.

Soon 'round the world, the children would play,
and grownups would celebrate a bright Christmas Day.
They all enjoyed freedom each month of the year,
Becasue of the soldiers, like the one laying here.

I couldn't help wonder how many lay alone,
On a cold Christmas eve in a land far from home.
The very thought brought a tear to my eye,
I dropped to my knees and started to cry.

The soldier awakened and I heard a rough voice,
"Santa, don't cry, this life is my choice.
I fight for freedom, I don't ask for more
My life is my God, my Country, my Corps"

The Soldier rolled over and drifted to sleep,
I couldn't control it, I contiuned to weep.
I kept watch for hours, so silent and still,
And we both shivered from the cold night's chill.

I didn't want to leave on that cold, dark night,
This Guardian of honoir, so willing to fight.
Then the soldier rolled over, with a voice soft and pure,
Whispered, "Carry on, Santa, it's Christmas, all is secure".

One look at my watch, and I knew he was right,
"Merry Christmas, my friend, and to all, a good night."

(Ed. note- I found the following attached to one versioon of this...
This poem was written by a Marine stationed in Okinawa Japan.  The following is his request. I think it is reasonable..... PLEASE. Would you  do me the kind favor of  sending this to as many people as you can? Christmas will be coming soon and some credit is due to our  U.S. service men and women for our being able  To celebrate these festivities.  Let's try in this small way to pay a tiny bit of what we owe. Make people stop and think of our heroes, living and dead, who sacrificed themselves for  us.  Please, do your small part to plant  this small seed.)