References to Acme and DW are to old versions of the Acme Pet and Dog World message boards. 

Toy Munchkins - Buyer Beware Hybrid Vigor In Mixed Breeds Christmas Bawls Acme Christmas Song
Kiwi Down Dilly (The Goo Poo) Acme Posterís Anthem Knick-Knack, Pat, Donít Whack Dog Food For Thought
Appreciation for the Big Red One Hiya Wolf Dog Clatterers Tribute to Nigel - Brave Hunter Splendor In The Grass
Barkerick for Tio Barkerick for Labs Lazey, That Word Dingbat Intestinal Roar Re Rawhide Issue 
Dog ID Tag Barkerick Acme Prayer No Puppy Mill/Pet Store Pups Under The Tree  Flipped Fried Noodles Barkerick
A Dogged How Do & A Canine How Do Not Taking Clear Aim At Puppy Millers
Balkin' The Doggerel
Other Essays

Toy Munchkins - Buyer Beware Barkerick

Oh dear! You've discovered: "Toy Munchkin!"
A cross-breed who costs: A big bunchkin.
Their web sites are down,
Cause dog folks barked this sound:
"Half Chihuahua/Half Pom: Out-to-lunchkin!"

Their web site said: "Toy Munchkins, such Tots!,
Will fit nicely upon their owner's Yachts!"
In my humble O., Those breeders don't know.
Their half-asked breeds from their little whot's-whot's!

If you wish a sound toy breed; delightful;
Get a Pom, or a Peke. Buy a bike full!
For what Munchkin breeders peddle,
Shall win no AKC medal!
Kindly take paws from these posters; insightful.

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On Hybrid Vigor In Mixed Breeds

The myth of Hybrid Vigor,
Is fairly easy to dis figor.
When one consults one's vet,
They oft say: "Ne'er forget;

A mutt's butt's mixed genes,
Still pull the allergic canine trigger!"
For a mongrel has even more oddly increased chances,
To limp off or scratch out amid its tale waggle dances.

So, the healthiest pup is one whose purebred parental lines, by rote, long health pre-nup!
Re the "see" and the "hip" and the "non flip of dog's wigor."

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Christmas Bawls~ A Merry Barkerick

To avoid any Canine Christmas Bawls,
We'll take care when we deck out all our halls!

For our Canines love to chew,
On the stuff which smells of "New!"
At Christmas time, that means "Nearly Alls!"

There's toxic tinsel. Then there's glass!
There's chocolate. Then, there's tempting toys of plas (tic!)
Why there's tons of stuff to knock dogs on their as-pect.

So, here's a tip from wee pifflin' Laze,
To avoid any Canine Bawl at Christmas Craze:

Crate your pup or your old hound,
Whilst you're out upon the town!~
You'll insure a Very Yappy New Year's Daze! lp

elle pea (canine tooth bard)

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The Acme Poster's Christmas Song

Chesapeakes posting by an open fire,
Jack Russells nipping at their toes!
Canine carols being howled by a Briar(d)
And, Chihuahuas dressed up like Eskimos!

Every poster knows a message full of friendly prose,
Helps to make this BB bright!
Posting Regs with their dogs in repose,
Shall kind-opine doggedly day or night.

We nose that canine fun all along our way!
We dig up lots of information, best wishes and we pray!
That every oldbie yeller mutt/newbie purebred pup is gonna "Sit-Stay!"
To see what happens on Acme's Dog Board each day!

So, Laze is offering this simple phrase,
To all posters from US to (Tiny) Timbuktu!
Although, it's been barked, many times, many ways;


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Kiwi Down Dilly (The GooPoo)


Tired of gathering kiwi up by tisket-tasket full,
The canine Country rancher,
Said: "Think I'll brancher!"
And goosed her feathered pack of Sebastapol!

Twas fruit of fuzz idea in C's strange noodle:
"I'll breed a silly goose with a ducky poodle!
Bet I'll sell that GooPoo Cross by the basket full!"

Where her charming Aussie Shep, The Duke Of Merle set,
Grip 'hearded' Alpha's speculatin' on bullish GooPoo market!
So, said young Gripper to his Mom:
"Your head needs a healing down goose balm!"
So please fetch for me, dear Mom, a toy!
As I'm your Real Down baby-boy! Please hark it!

'Sides, Mom, GooPoo would merely flap around,
Making loud 'barket-quarket' sound!
So kindly pile a-poo ideas in jest park-it!"

Elle Unknown Poster

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The Acme Poster's Anthem

Canines runnin' down The Board, Tryin' to bark in One Accord.
Got Doggie Doodles on our minds. There's D.(G.S.) with his crate "A Mess!"
An' his owner needs "The Poop" re: Pee!

We get a post full of Sneezy Feelin! An' Pugs nose we gotta snort Around!
We get a post full of Wheezy Reelin! An' Pits know we won't let 'em Down!

Canines sittin' at their 'Puters. Some are smarter, some are Cuter,
Still, all Doggies paw mess. dug up Next!
Goldens bark like Techs. Poodles howl like Wrecks.
Canine's ribbing blew, or in Context!

We get a poster with Queasy Feelin! Puppies, now let's keep 'em Sound!
We get a poster needs Easy Heelin! Large dogs, let's link 'em all Round!

Got an Kennel full of Newbies, Comin' close to e-mail Chatter.
Got fresh, doggie dirt with Latest Ticks.
Got Continuous Clatter re: The Wolf-Dog Matter.
We got poems, pix an' Stupid Dog Tricks.

We get a piece full of Breezy Feelin! Board Dogs, let's free That Pound!
We get a piece full of Sleezy Feelin! Webmaster, quarantine That Hound!

~Ouch! Hit with my own thrown shtick. Yapping and running off down the cyber road, wagging curly tale behind ... LP~

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Knick-Knack, Pat Don't Whack

To all BB's gentle readers and breeders,
From the tiny Lazer Lite;
Whose bark's (mega) verse than her Bite!

Some doggerel well might have Propensity,
To be unmellow regarding Bone Density.
Still, this pack shall not Dig,
Where a dog won't Renege,
Here's a proffered peace Twig of Immensity!~

Doggedly, to the heart of this Matter,
Chewed straight through all the clutter and Clatter!
"Each dog will do Best,
If his owner won't Rest,
Separating pure pitter from Patter!"

Let's bury Boney Pile-on Issue!
Kennel coughers, I offers "Tish-Tish You!"
Don't sneeze at Replies,
Nor bark rude Surprise,
Now, all posters "Sit-Stay!" Or, we'll miss you!

Sparkly-toothed grins and twirly tale-spins,
from the contentedly uncontentious, LP~

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Dog Food For Thought
(Iams Getting Scenty-mental over Euke Or the Hills' are alive with the sound of musings.)

When it comes to: Food For Canines;
Acme's a wide variety of Opines.
Some loath Science Diet,
Saying: "Rabid dogs won't even buy it!"
While others think: "SD is just fine!"

Well, there're one or two Dog Breeders,
Who bleeve you can: "Eu-kan-neuba them bleeders!",
Whilst some frac-shush food poo-bahs say :
"You can't Eukanneubas, Hey!
Bah-cause, pukey-Eukey's less than dogs needers!"

Now, some breeders swear: "Buy Nutro!
If you can find it - Your dogs will be cute-tro!
But if you tried and simply can't,
Then be 'Sensible', don't rant!
Lamb and Rice is nice, just avoid the corn plant!"

Well now, there's some what think: "Dr.Pitcarin,
By nature, all poster dogs should be Sharin'!"
But others, carin' for Pits,
Opine:"Ruffly squeaking, Fluffy's s**ts,
Contain vegetation less, than what is dee-vine!"

So folks, the one thing 'bout Dog-Feeding Art,
Is ALL would agree that it's: "Ever So Smart,
To keep searchin' till we Find
What eases sense of smell and Mind,
Cause there's simply nothin' worse than our dear dog's F*rt!"

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A Barkerick Of Canine Appreciation For Big Red One
[Ed. note: Doc Sandi, aka Big Red, is a veterinarian.]

I've expressed the anal glands of a fully corded Puli,
(Who'd just sat down upon her UN-reported BIS stoolie!)

I've been housebroken by many a Yorkshire Terrier.
I've blotted Chihuahua pee from both face and knee,
And, still I think: "The more dogs the merrier!"

Why, I've probed the ears of Afghan Champs;
Diving there-in with swabs and finger cramps!

I've used Osters on canine coats-with-the-mosters;
Blown-dry curly Cockers and finely tuned many a fuzzy Poodle's Hockers,
Also, I've tended Mystery Mongrels with strangely-tailed dockers!

I've rescued every breed in need; from "What-The-Hey?"
To great growling grey Shar Pei!

So, my dog dirt is fairly exstensive!
But Sandi Red Doc!
My med skills a tiny crock!
When compared to YOUR brain cells; immensive!!

LOL LP~ Go Big Red.




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Hiya Wolf-Dog Clatterers, (Just for fun-)

Ah Oui! Wee Barkerick
(Can't See Black Forest For The Trees~ By Gump.)

While out walking My Wolfdog; named Fluffy,
We encountered a Teacup; called Toughie,
When The Scuffle Began,
Each dog had A Plan:
To out word-dog the other quite Roughly!

An AKC judge happened By,
Ruled judge; scented mental with bored Sigh,
"In my fine Opine:
Both sides decline Standard Line,
Bored points! Sic 'em dogs! Long-Winded Rebuffetly!

Such Old Doggerel tres Huff-ity Puff-ity.
Always ends in: "Get Stuff-ed-ly Snuff-ed-ly."

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A Tribute To Nigel; Brave Hunter!

Nigel; that mighty JR Terrier,
Made Don's -n- Karen's life so much Merrier,
When Nigel tore thru their House,
With a very fresh Mouse,
(Whose sides are now somewhat Airy-er!)

Those victory laps round the Futon,
Are so typically terrier Cute An',
Please give Nigel our Best!,
Canine lovers Suggest,
JRT's are a hoot, (an' no Disputin!)

('Cept perhaps from the mouse; not Computin'!)

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Intestinal Roar Re Rawhide Issue

In the silly opine of the poo-

Poster, were I you,
For your pups,
Rawhide, I'd eschew!

For canines; Tuff to swallow,
(Unless their little legs are hollow!)
Cause they'll bite off more,
Than they can chew!

Rawhide could cause intestinal blockage.
Not to mention; Vet-Bill-Shockage.
And, that's knot even worst twist it can do!

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Splendor In The Grass- (A Dog Owner's Lament)

"Ah, tis Spring!" And, all dog owners sing!
Our highest note is sounded,
And, all through the wood rebounded!
When, barefoot in the grass;
We come upon "That Thing!"
Which only weeks ago, was frozen solid,
Now, twixt bare toes, our nose smells: "Squalid!"
Ah, dear Spring! Ah, "Dog Thing!"
Ah! hurl! Ah, fling Ah, Sing!
elle pea (with toes bard, y'all)

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Barkerick For Tio

Oh, when on Dog Board, we See-oh,
"Ruff!" rabid rebarks from Tee-Tio,
The wise dogs Exclaim,
It oh curs Tio's Game,
Is to make kennel howl: "Mama Me-oh!"

Kennel pups soon learn, One-two-Three-oh!
Dis temper rant Tio can't Be-oh,
Made to sit, stay or Learn,
So to post a Return,
Is to waste your Concern,
Such is Key-oh!

Harken to this heavenly plea-oh;
"Tio! Be wise as the three from the trio!"
Enlightened Canines Opine,
Twixt your spaces and lines,
No dog star there shines,
Unjust Dog in mange "grrr," you Bee Oh!
(At least so sniffs the silly elle pea-oh)

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A Barkerick (Labradors)

The Labrador folks would be beholden,
If we'll not call their yellow labs: "Golden."
For it's terribly confusin',
It's dog glossary abusin',
And to a gal of yellow or fellow,
It makes 'em less than mellow;
It's not amusin'!

So, here's an easy way to remember:
And retrieve Lab's sunny dispositions with this ember:
While cowardly Labs are extremely rare,
There are still YELLOW ones everywhere!
That's advice beyond compare,
(Might say, it's golden....) LP~

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Lazey; That Word Dingbat

It looked extremely rabid for the Dog World Board that day;
Word score stood two-by-four, with one dingbat Poodle left to play.
So, when the GSD died at second, and the Rottie did the same,
A pallor wreathed the features of board patrons of the game.

A straggling few got up to go, leaving there the rest,
With that hope that springs infernal within a DW poster's chest.
For they thought: ďIf only Lazey could take a whack at that,"
They would put even pun-wee! now, with Lazey; That word dingbat.

But a Frog preceded Lazey, and likewise did a Pom,
And the former was a pudd'n, and the latter was a Mom!
So, on that the stricken Kennel a mirthless silence sat;
For there seemed little chance of Lazey's Southern bellows chimin',
An' ringin' at dingbats.

But a Wolfdog let drive a single, to the wonderment of all.
And the much-despised Nuticles "tore the cover off the bawl!"
And when the dust had lifted, and they saw what had "Oh Cur-ed,"
The legless Frog was safe a second, and the Mom was huggin' word!

Then from the gladdened Kennel went up a joyous yell -
It rumbled round Chihuahuas, it rattled through sulphurous hounds, as well!
It struck upon the BB, and rebounded through the mess.,
For Lazey, mitey Lazey was advancing toward "finesse."

There was an ease in Lazey's manner as Poo piled to her place,
There was a pride in Lazey's prance and a smile on Lazey's face;
And when responding to jeers an' cheers, Poo litely doffed word hat.
No mange-er in the pack could doubt Tizzy Lazey, That Word Dingbat!

Ten thousand eyes were on her as she rubbed paws with dogword dirt,
Five thousand tongues applauded when Poo wiped it on ruff-elled blurt;
Then when the writing pitcher ground word bawl down toward way hip,

Defiance danced in Lazey's eyes, a toy sneer curled Lazey's lip.

And now the lather-covered spiel came hurtling through the air!,
And Lazey stood a-watching it with haughty grandeur write dare.Close by the tiny wordsmith the word bawl unheeded sped;
"That ain't my style," said Lazey. "Strike One!" the Gremlin said.

From the benches, thick with ticking word dogs, there went up a muzzled roar,
Like a beating storm of fierce message threads, crashing sternly on Unsure.
"Kill Grem! Kill the Gremlins!" shouted someone from the dogged maw,
And it's likely they'd have killed Grem had not Lazey raised her paw.

With a smile of Canine charity grate Lazey's visage shone.
Poo stilled the rising tumult, Poo made the game go on;
Laze winked to the word pitcher, and once more verbiage flew write by her flew;
But Lazey still ignored the board and the gremlin said "Strike Two!"

"Fraud!" howled the maddened pack, and the echo answered "Fraud!"
But one scornful toot from Lazey and the bulletin board was awed.
Board Dogs saw Poo's mug grow stern and cold, they saw Poo's muscles strain;
And then they knew that Lazer-roo was having movement of her big brain!

The sneer is gone from Lazey's flews, canine teeth are clenched in wait,
Laze pounds out with cruel vengeance, her dingbat upon word grate.
And now, the Gremlin holds the bawl, and now he let's it go.
And now board's sweet air is shattered by the shear force of Lazey's blow.

Oh, somewhere in this cyber world messages are shining bright.
The dogs are singing somewhere and somewhere canine hearts are light;
And somewhere wolfdogs dance with poodles and somewhere happy pups do dart,

But there is no joy in Dogwhirled Wordville,
Mitey (word flighty) Lazey struck out;
Oh, what a blow for art! LP~

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A Puddle of Dogged Reflection~
has moved to:

 It's a wonderful essay, please click on the new link!

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Dog ID Tag Barkerick

 But naked canines are: "As God intended!"
I've heard that and, I'd like to ammend ed:
For without ID, even dog whiz, like lil' Elle Pea,
Can't return your dear dog and, is offended!

 Please place ID on YOUR dear canine's collar!
If dog's strays, then I kin give y'all a holler.
Folks can't read canine'a minds. So to return dog's behinds, (our finds),
Y'all dress them butt nekkid dogs! Hope y'all foller!

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An Acme Prayer

 Please hear Acme's prayer for Strength,
That our pack might lift up those among us who are in sorrow.

 Please hear Acme's prayer for Wisdom,
That our vets might help You bring a healing for our dogs tomorrow.

 Please hear Acme's prayer of Hope,
That our pack soon will have joy, peace, health and rest.

 Please hear Acme's prayer of Thanks,
For our canines; who give us all that is God's Loving Best.


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No Puppy Mill/Pet Store Pups Under The Tree 

A load of x-mas pups, arriving near maulish by truck,
Were all un fresh from duh Mizoo Miller's misery and muck!
The mall stores' pet "con-sellers" there,
Simply could not say precise-silly where, 
The pups' OFA/CERF's were, ah shucks!
Oh, really? And Un well, darned the luck! 

Soon in walked a couple; named Smith,
Into the Pet Store to buy an x-mas pup forthwith!
What breed? (They knew not!)
They just wanted a "Spot",
For their Junior, lil' Bubba, an' lisping baby; Sis(th!) 

The three "wise" store employees in pet store there, 
Said "Hey Smiths! Say, why don't you purchase a pair!
"Pups are on sale today- two for one!
Say now, won't that be swell canine fun?"
(Especially, when pups go genetically flop botz, can't walk!
And lose all their vision, their hearing and their hair! Dont balk!" 

Ah- For by then those pups' one year dandy health guarantee, 
Will be utterly null and void, whoo-wee and way hot puppy!
Then, you may whistle for our help! 
You can scream. You can yelp!
And none in store will know why, let alone even care!
(Genetic ailments oft take two years to present- See, how that's fair?) 

And so, to Mister & Mrs John Public Smith, 
For your Junior, your Bubba and your cute lil' Sis with a lisp!
Save your green, keep it in your wallet all crisp right there!
Until you learn about dogs, and even then- BUYER BEWARE!
But true any pet store pup from Miller Mizoo, 
Oft means a costly heartbreak for you! Get a canine clue: 
Please, don't give the miller your biz! -Is this fur vent dog lovers' prayer! 

PS bite this data, one time. 

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Flipped Fried Noodles Barkerick 

Regarding the flipping of canine noodles,
Why, it's millers like you and your cash crops of Poodles, 
Who ruin the breed's health and mind- (Yes, I do, oodles!)
Mind your Miller's endless greed. Shame! Best to take heed!
(Or, you'll soon be utterly shot down and completely elle peed!)
Dine out on that fact!- All of you and your UN kind!
(Below this bellow tis thusly decreed.)

Please accept a big blew ribbing from pea, for your miller's conformation in the ring of dogged truth! In snort, and without further foament; for all you do, this rankle's pour vous! (A nip it in the bud Miller! You blight moment.) lp 

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A Dogged How Do & A Canine How Do Not

Any breeder of quality Poodles,
Does not "ad up" nor "herald" high sales doodles!
Nor sell "twenty plus" other breeds,
For cash on the line net dogged proceed$!
Hey Mizoo! Is that YOU? If tis, Yo, yo! Word up oodles!

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Taking Clear Aim At Puppy Millers on PDP's Sassy Know Well 
    (A gassy, grassy knoll shot of precisely what's what) 

    When cruising the net re: "Serious Dog", 
    There's one board upon which wise dog folks oft saw and log. 
    It ain't Miller's Mizoo puppy bored bb! (zzz) 
    Gnaw. Tis right here, the PDP! You silly hee-hee-she. 
    (Your wire cage fumes must have caused you a stinky brain fog.) 

    Texobubba speaks clear truth re: The pet stores' sorry pup tale. 
    We've been so there. We know millers' pups so oft sickly frail. 
    Go ahead wail. Bite bb-ishly on! Whiz even more miller drivel- write on dear Patty's lawn! 
    Jest love it when you do. Ya help JD & crew & dis-here silly poo! (See, po' pawn?!) 
    With the puppy miller/pet store message of: NO SALE! (Soon you'll be a way buy-gone.) 

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Balkin' The Doggerel

When dog folks nick puppy millers in their "why?"-knotted tale,
Experience teaches, those puppy millers often twist and wail!
For soon, less there shall be, of those mills doo puppy,
Less brokers, less bunchers, and less doggoned travail! 

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Photo and text Copyright© 1998-2001 Lazerpoodle
All rights reserved
Used with permission